where is the FREEDOM!!!

The sun is finally trying to make an appearance, covered in the fragments of clouds.  The cool wind breeze, making all the big trees sway and the eerie noise it creates. It’s so peaceful right now that I can hear the sound of air. Birds are chirping in most delightful manner. Far from the place I am setting, is the light bulb switched on, somebody probably forgot to switch off all the lights. There is this heart sign chalked out by someone on the wall of a school which will soon be covered by kids of all ages.

Love is that overrated, yeah?

And then there is dandelion revolving around the place I am sitting, this whole thing takes me to the life I have already spent. The School, College and University time. When I was focused, more energetic, I had powers, I was an achiever. The confidence that grew over the time just only made my focus more clear and I knew exactly what my goals were. I was more connected to God. I knew who I need to ask , who I need to bend in font of,  I could see him replying to me, guiding me, telling me the truth of life. There was this inner peace that I think now is missing from my life.

Slowly but surely I had to step out from that life into the practical life. ‘PRACTICAL LIFE’. Now this is the life where you are supposed to do everything which you might not like or can even make peace with. The Life which punches you so hard and so many times in your face but you rub it all off and stand to fight again.

You need to earn money and work hard at the same time. Obviously you can’t overburden you parents any more to fulfill your weird desires. You fell in love and fell off from the cliff both are same things actually, you get married and try to please everyone and there is this poor guy “husband” who is different from you in many ways and you try to see all your relations in him, then you make kids who for the rest of your life are going to be the center of attention.

 Iyaad had temperature and all this night I kept on checking him. Was this because I was careless? I probably not am giving him enough time. This is the life of a typical mother.

Sometimes I think of my mother. She still loves me and not only that take cares of my son too and will keep on taking care of my future kids too  and then sometimes I ask her “ Ami what are you getting from this whole thing? Like you have a daughter who falls on you and you are never tired. NEVER. Don’t you ever want to be FREE? Like Free from the worries of your kids?

And she in most confident manner ever “You guys are my life”.

No Ammi you created this life for yourself. And we all are following the same path. We make peace with our present and that’s the only way to live life I suppose.  

Sometimes I feel there should have been a guide to this life. A manual that I could have read before jumping into this so called practical life.

I have also realized that humans are actually the most unthankful creatures.  Half of our population wants kids the other half thinks what to do of them. Half of the population wants to get married, the other half  are beating the head against the wall, half of this populations wants to earn money, the other half so perfect that you sometimes feel they are not real

The 29 years of my life and the only conclusion I could make out of this whole life is that connection to Allah is the only way to earn peace. That he is controlling life. I mean sometimes I feel what exactly my decisions were. None I suppose. He is the planner but most of the adults are tensed and stressed out  because they have zero  faith in Allah’s plan and even then you see them preaching about trusting Allah’s plan. And that patience is the virtue and you are rewarded when the challenges come your way and you make it to the edge of the river abiding the laws of GOD.

Happy First Iyaad -With love!

To my dearest baby Iyaad,

21 Aug 2015 - As you turn 1 and you fill my heart with so much love, I wonder writing about you now make any sense? When all you can read is “AAAA”. But few years from now when you see what I wrote for you on your first birth day; might bring a pretty smile on your face. A smile which is the most beautiful and endearing thing I ever witnessed till date. And I say this with no exaggeration at all. Well my dear Eduuu birth fascinates me in a way. I would eat my mother’s brain to know each and every detail of how was I born. With little information she could provide, as she could remember very little and that happens with you being youngest, I used to picture myself. 

But then I saw you: so little, so fragile , wrapped in sheets, staring as if our lives were moving in slow motion, giving another glance at every new thing , your eye brows squeezing then relaxing, your eyes dilating then contracting and I would see each and everything you do. Your arm movement, you moving your hand slowly to touch my face then yours, you responding to my voice, your eyes racing to see where is this woman?. I need her. How can I forget all these details? It was just yesterday I would cover you, handle you so carefully, and stay up whole night because I was worried of so many stupid things happening to you at night. What If your mum didn’t get up in time? I was silly to think that way. Nobody could wake me up that easily before you but now I can get up or literally jump out of bed when I hear you even rolling on your bed.

And look at you now. Kicking, jumping and bouncing on us. Checking our limits when we say ‘NO’. Chuckling on little things and making us smile, dancing on every other beat. Saying words like ‘than ko(thankyou) in most loving manner ever, saying dite (light), calling our maid ashhaaa, calling us abba ji , amma mama, nahin (NO) to everything we ask you , Pointing your nose and ours when we inquire and so many other things!! In no time you have become our center of attention, no matter where we go it’s just you we discuss. Sometimes we will sit around you and let you make us laugh while we see each other smiling just to celebrate you. Sometimes I seem to forget how it was like before you. But trust me my son when I say this:  To have you is a privilege. Allah chose me to be your mother and I can’t thank him enough. I would do everything to have you in my life. The kind of love and inner satisfaction I have got after having you is immeasurable and I couldn’t have it any other way.

You made me feel venerable and a woman so strong. I could protect you; something inside me tells me that I can. You forced me to go after my dreams and that nobody can stop me in achieving stuff I want to. At least you brought back all those hidden feelings and emotions and for that I love you more my son.

As I see you growing up and completing your millstones each day. My heart sometimes ache and crave for that baby who I would want to see rolling for that first time or crawling for the first time or standing up on his feet. You are getting independent it makes me so proud and sad at the same time. I want to have some more time with my few months old baby. You are growing up that fast. So my boy as you take your steps towards partially independent life I pray for your health, success and that no evil harm you ever.  This world is so tricky so I give you in ‘his’ protection that no evil befalls you ever. May you rise up as a great human being, a better Muslim that people look up to you. May Allah give you directions as pure as you are and fill up those gaps that 'we' as a parent won’t be able to. Happy First mere piyare bete (my beloved son) and we will have many more (by Allah’s will) I want to see you celebrating for as long as I am alive:)

With much love,

Your Amma!