-- Here i am lost in the ashes of time but who wants tomorrow --

We had this resilient chemistry for each other but still few hiccups and unwanted storms are part and parcel of life. It was then something gruesome occurred between him and unknown fallacies and everything was tarnished between us. It is said that if man has guts to be a man and he was grown under his own build circumstances he can keep everything intact but many of them may not. Our lucky charm was warm sunshine and a cup of coffee in chilled winters.

So we both decided to meet up at the corner coffee shop known for young couples meet up and departure too. And I was counting steps; heading towards it; hoping it is not what all the particles in air beckoning it to be.

We had some words and some more words; unrealistic attacks and realistic jitters were accompanied by his demarcated face and I kept on finding some peace in this whole region; something which is known to me.

I remember he was the most envious man in the crowd because if we stood in a group he is the outside peeper and he became luckiest when he had me around but what happened last is totally a piece of note nobody every wrote or read. Here is the last dialogue:

Eshta: So how are you?

Billi   : I want to tell you that you must go on with your life because I don’t deserve you…I … I just want to tell you that all these hard and harsh words are for your own good. And if it was possible I would gather all the happiness of the world and put in your lap but for now I must go.

Eshta: Will you stop this rattling and useless word? (Cutting him through) How on earth I can put this in your beautiful brain that it is not true. You are a rose that grows one a million and I have utmost respect for you that wouldn’t diminish nor haze ever. With you I smile; without you I get sad and then this nervousness makes me a complete fanatic.

(Billi interrupted without my thoughtfulness ever on aired and made way to his goddamn ears.)

Billi: Estha you must understand; I have a very tough situation to deal with at home; I would leave everything and will go. I need peace and only in that can find my lost strength.

Eshta: Even if it requires abandoning me and watching me go aloof of everything around. Atleast tell me what marks your strength to be so low. You are giving up on nothing

Billi : After a pause yes it is like that… sometimes every word that come out of my mouth would sound unjust ; you will think I am weak and I would rather flew to some other region before I hear this . Truth is that situation is getting out of control. It’s ending up between choosing and it has startled my life too…

Eshta: Are you in your senses. We had a trust factor with each other at least I deserve little explanation on this?

( Billi: Complete silence as if he was wishing that storm to abate so that he can make his way through, as if all he knew was to leave and unable this environment and people to take 360 degree turn in a second)

Estha : You are making me stern, a shocked being , you are making me a useless piece of cloth thrown in dejection and I won’t forgive you on this

Billi: I hope you will take care of yourself more than anything; more than anyone being cared for ever … I must go …

Estha:  And I would call you a weak person and this must stung you all your life no matter where you go …

And she stood there hoping he would look back like he never missed being trapped in her charms but this time as if he was not he and he had appeared in some deluded appearance for secretively teasing her but none of the assumption was true.

Estha had eyes full of questions and remarks in which tears somehow were embedded and every tear was tagged with a lot of thoughts and question. She knew above all science; wisdom and circumstances; miracles do happen; so she carried herself and moved towards a mosque. She sat there hoping that her voice will be heard this time. She released herself of all abduction and unjust happenings; she knew this time he will hear, she stood up and walked into warm sunshine. She knew a day would come when she will get all the answers till then she will assuage her grief she would live; to live up for that one day.

~ My Day Shall Come ~

a season will come...

we will jublify all the resentments 

and make merry about tomorrow 
of hidden happiness and drift away sorrows 

that day shall come ...

we will throw arms around each other 
and spread the laughter 

for this life is twined with tiny little things 
tiny little happiness in your tiny little eyes 

as they shine with tiny little light 
and your hand marks the future with tiny little lines 

that day shall come when words would pour like water from Niagara falls 
and we will take a bath in heavenly shower of all

and my day shall come when i will rise above myself 

if lost in woods, found , read or propel

I am going through bunch of those days which usually shut down inner voices and there are random pictures going in front of your eyes. Like looking for a solution without considering your own opinion. Like you are invisible in the crowd or to make your self distinct in the crowd you stand on chair and shout but your voice go unnoticed.

Yesterday our land lady fell quite ill. Since i come back home slightly late so i miss most of the happenings of the day. The sight of my mother in exasperation told me millions of stories and if she hadn't uttered a word i might have bursted out thinking about million of things that possibly could go wrong. My mother is quite sensitive heart and she can hardly control emotions or boundary line them. That lady is quite aged and as much as i see in her eyes is the insecurity about her things and her assets. It keeps me wondering what goes into our heart as we group up. Half of our life is spent struggling hard; making name in this big world; setting our foot right; finding our fit survival and rest half in taking care of them. 

Suddenly a phone bell rang; Her son spoke at the other end from US .

he : What happened to mom?

someone here: she is not well...

he : what do you mean by not well?

someone here: she has been admitted to hospital.

he : can you exactly tell what happened to her?

someone here: she felt dizzy and hit the car but nothing damaged her apparently 

he : what's dizzy ?

someone here :( for god sake; you are living in America and cant understand whats dizzy... but may be he is worried )... errr... it means she was in half sleepy mode and  partially awake. 

he: Is she breathing? 

someone here: Of course please don't worry she will be alright! 

suddenly there was a sleek noise in silence; someone was breathing making it difficult to breath through nasal; then sobs and tears.

she will be alright i said!!!

Cal dropped...

I could feel the pain but couldn't find the intensity of it till i heard that old lady saying " my son! please forget me.. forget me please!"

So that sums up our life cycle. Life that we ought to live for others sometimes seems too far ; sometimes just goes away like that ; sometimes its the idea of living sometimes it is just a normal doing. 

I don't know what meaning you might get from this post but i couldn't discuss it with myself to run into conclusion. Few years back when i was young and could gaze directly into people eyes made me go positive ; but now it seems so fragile. 

Like a rose that suddenly starts decaying or it flies away leaving its root behind.

By the way lady had a stroke in process but she is fine by the grace of Allah =)

Take Care and hope to see you all soon!

I hardly get time to write and read you guys which definitely means i am missing on a lot of good stuff but i will share what i read from you ; read from others or learnt it finally; no matter how rough that way was =)

<3

Good Bye - -

She knocked the door quite sheepishly and the way she stepped in was another heart breaker. She is worried and precipitating in heat of summers. She sits quietly over the couch and rubbing her hand as if she recently submerged herself in water and moving up in curves to feel life within.  

Life is strange ; it is strange because it has got all flavors and we are the toughest nuts who yell into pieces and seep down the floor to cash one beautiful moment out of everything and it doesn’t always disappoint us, it comes out with something as novice as her first smile of the day when sun spreads the shines.

This time it is a different situation and all my senses corresponding with each other to tell me it’s OK! Its OK we will help you move no matter how dingy is the road. But I hardly learn t to trust them. In fact trust anyone.

She looked up to tell us that in few hours she will be leaving and just last catharsis… last regrets as she spoke about them lightly… so lightly that I at least couldn’t hear .Because whatever she said seemed so meaningless at that time.

Good bye is the toughest part of the whole conversation. It gets tougher when you see tears in their eyes. And I cursed the moment when tears were once termed as crocodile’s one. They come through the eyes when something pricks the heart and it gallops inside till your tears washes away the corrosion within.

I am in age to feel good bye, to say good bye. Dramatic as it may seem good bye leaves a last hope that we will meet again somewhere on the highway so randomly as if bushes spur the tree when rain comes over so uneven. But I can surely tell you; this verdict feigns. It leaves you hollow for countless days and then suddenly new passages unwind the way. Finally your senses help you get through it but good byes create a strange void; a gap that cannot be filled but only crossed.