Painful yet Happening journey of 363 Days

This blog post belongs to and written by one of a dear friend i revere. Lets go through her journey of 363 days.

"Its about the hidden, unwritten, veiled emotions and yet I am too expressive, people Say so! J

26th Januray 2011 – 23^rd March 2011

It was the most painful time for me and my family since the thing we never imagined in our dreams nor get any hint, happened – Yes my father had a Lymphomic Cancer and was in its worst stage to Imagine when we got to know it. Each and every passing day was telling us that we have to face it and that there is no hope. Its been said that the person who is near death could feel it. And Yes I saw my father feeling it. Silently yet hopeful and positive , worried for his daughters and his dreams he said goodbye to this world on 23^rd March 2011 and the most ubelieveable part of it is that the girl who has fobia with knives, who cannot see blood , who cannot see lots of ants, who starts crying when see a poor someone on the road, actually victimiced  her father’s last moments! Yes, I never knew that I could be so brave to do this, to watch it but ALLAH nominated me for it. You must be thinking How? J

22/23^rd March 2011: Tuseday/Wednesday -  Between 10:00 PM – 6 AM

My mother was taking care of my father in the hospital since my elder sister and myself have to attend our offices and my two younger sisters have to attend their studies. Alas, this cruel world has another list of commitements other than our loved ones and which is ironically called “Professionalism” ..waao isn’t it funny?

Anyways, During that time period I realised that What is the meaning of this job for me If I lose my father and If I am not going to get this chance again to look after him? I took long leaves from office sacrificing my so called career which seemed to be ending in that time period.. Ahh that’s another story but lets not talk about this!

And Thank you so much to the friend of mine who made this realization strong that just throw away your job and take leaves to serve your father.

My mother was so tired after being stayed in hospital for so long and I could feel that. I asked her to leave for home that night and ensures her that yes I can take care of Baba.. My father was almost paralyzed and was unable to walk or even move on the bed in his last stages.

I did not know that this night would be a  nightmare of my Life… Anyways may be, as we believe as muslims that “Allah unhi logon ka Imtehaan leta jo bardast ker sakte” He knew that I would bear it silently… He knew that But I know Allah can also see whats inside me.

My two cousins were also staying with me in the hospital that night and I went asleep. At  around 12:00 AM  my father started feeling severe pain (which is the evitable pain of cancer) He was almost crying and saying “koi mujeh bacha le” (Someone please save me ).. My cousin and myself were helping him by rolling his legs and back so that he may get some relief but all of no avail.

The pain was increasing and we called doctor to see him, as if doctor knew it and she was unable to do anything. Almot 2-3 hours passed in this situation…. Can you Imagine a 2-3 hours in severe pain? I guess nobody can…at around 4 in the morning , I noticed that suddenly my father stopped screaming and that he was feeling drowsy.. I called the nurse and she used a machine to check his heartbeat… His heart beat was dropped to 60.. Nurse thought that machine was giving some error and that it has stopped working ..She tried tipping the finger lid of the machine but she was fooling us!

My father was still in his mere senses and my cousin made a skype call to my mamo living in America at around 5 in the morning and asked my father to talk..Since he was drowsy so he was  unable to talk properly but was replying by nodding his head to the Qustions my mamu was asking…

After the call, suddenly I saw that he was breathing in some abnormal way and his eyes were almost closed.. I was sitting infront of him and could clearly see the death saying hello to me…. I started realising that yes it has to happen and I asked my cousin to call everyone from Home.

As a muslim we have a belief that “Maut ka farishta kabhi apke apno ki roh apke samne qabaz nahi kerta” (The death angel wont' grasp a soul in your relatives and acquintances presence) … Someone in my family also stated this thing that you should make death of your loved ones easier by accepting it ..I heard namaz e fajar and decided to leave the room so that my father could get a relief from the confusion of life and death and that maut ka farishta could do his task finally. Yes I did it!

When I returned back after offering prayer I saw that he stopped abnormal breathing and his eyes were wide open and he was looking at me! Yes , He was expired….

I took pansora and started reading “Surah e yaseen” ( Verses of Quran- Our Holy book) , looking at him crying and weeping.

That terifying time has passed.I feel his pain with each and every passing day and that night is still alive in my life.

People say that I have lost so much of weight and I know that I eat proper and yes I am happy because this last year was happening for my career, I have got so much Success Allhamdulliah , A new turn a new life ….

But How could I Forget that pain which is residing somewhere inside me. I don’t undertsand that why I feel the same pain within myself that my baba has experienced . That’s 0.00001 percent of it which is not allowing me to florish.. Can we Imagine his pain now?

I have tried hard to hide my tears and my emotions from this world in last 363 days and only the techlogix 2 day Ayubia trip was able to make me forget it and pass some refreshing time. So that’s how it makes the 365 days count to 363 days of tears! And Thank you turkey for making these tearful days count even less!

My Khala used to say this that “Baap ki chapal agar darwazy pe hu tou bht roob rehta hai duniya pey” (presence of your father even his petty belongings on door keeps a grandeur on world )

 I never understoond the meaning of this sentence but Life has opened a complete dictionary to fully understand it!

I pray that May ALLAH grant my father the best of heaven and May his soul rest in peace.

All of the readers , please recite surah e Fatiha for him and Keep Praying for me!
I dedicate all my success to my father. I wish you were here to cherish these moments you had always dreamed for!"

-- Here i am lost in the ashes of time but who wants tomorrow --

We had this resilient chemistry for each other but still few hiccups and unwanted storms are part and parcel of life. It was then something gruesome occurred between him and unknown fallacies and everything was tarnished between us. It is said that if man has guts to be a man and he was grown under his own build circumstances he can keep everything intact but many of them may not. Our lucky charm was warm sunshine and a cup of coffee in chilled winters.

So we both decided to meet up at the corner coffee shop known for young couples meet up and departure too. And I was counting steps; heading towards it; hoping it is not what all the particles in air beckoning it to be.

We had some words and some more words; unrealistic attacks and realistic jitters were accompanied by his demarcated face and I kept on finding some peace in this whole region; something which is known to me.

I remember he was the most envious man in the crowd because if we stood in a group he is the outside peeper and he became luckiest when he had me around but what happened last is totally a piece of note nobody every wrote or read. Here is the last dialogue:

Eshta: So how are you?

Billi   : I want to tell you that you must go on with your life because I don’t deserve you…I … I just want to tell you that all these hard and harsh words are for your own good. And if it was possible I would gather all the happiness of the world and put in your lap but for now I must go.

Eshta: Will you stop this rattling and useless word? (Cutting him through) How on earth I can put this in your beautiful brain that it is not true. You are a rose that grows one a million and I have utmost respect for you that wouldn’t diminish nor haze ever. With you I smile; without you I get sad and then this nervousness makes me a complete fanatic.

(Billi interrupted without my thoughtfulness ever on aired and made way to his goddamn ears.)

Billi: Estha you must understand; I have a very tough situation to deal with at home; I would leave everything and will go. I need peace and only in that can find my lost strength.

Eshta: Even if it requires abandoning me and watching me go aloof of everything around. Atleast tell me what marks your strength to be so low. You are giving up on nothing

Billi : After a pause yes it is like that… sometimes every word that come out of my mouth would sound unjust ; you will think I am weak and I would rather flew to some other region before I hear this . Truth is that situation is getting out of control. It’s ending up between choosing and it has startled my life too…

Eshta: Are you in your senses. We had a trust factor with each other at least I deserve little explanation on this?

( Billi: Complete silence as if he was wishing that storm to abate so that he can make his way through, as if all he knew was to leave and unable this environment and people to take 360 degree turn in a second)

Estha : You are making me stern, a shocked being , you are making me a useless piece of cloth thrown in dejection and I won’t forgive you on this

Billi: I hope you will take care of yourself more than anything; more than anyone being cared for ever … I must go …

Estha:  And I would call you a weak person and this must stung you all your life no matter where you go …

And she stood there hoping he would look back like he never missed being trapped in her charms but this time as if he was not he and he had appeared in some deluded appearance for secretively teasing her but none of the assumption was true.

Estha had eyes full of questions and remarks in which tears somehow were embedded and every tear was tagged with a lot of thoughts and question. She knew above all science; wisdom and circumstances; miracles do happen; so she carried herself and moved towards a mosque. She sat there hoping that her voice will be heard this time. She released herself of all abduction and unjust happenings; she knew this time he will hear, she stood up and walked into warm sunshine. She knew a day would come when she will get all the answers till then she will assuage her grief she would live; to live up for that one day.

I Dream ! As part of me always lived in them !

As per our ritual; when light goes away and winters suddenly move to this region of our country; we will sit around heaters and listen to some old tales of our parents usually narrated by my mother and some years ago by my father.

Memories are weird sometime they cross your mind no matter which road you are travelling onto and you will immerse in deep ocean of thoughts ; thinking about a face , some event that really moved you or something you miserably did miss. I am also adding a 2.6 years old chapter of my first job to my memory lane with this fear that it is going to come in front of me and I can’t weigh how I would react.

The last day went just like a whirlpool; extreme sensitivity and extreme of everything that I felt. I hugged everyone around; people bade me and may be for last time. Sometimes I felt a tear just about to drop and I will avoid watching dauntlessly eye to eye. Moments are so fragile that in order to understand their intricacy you fell into devastation or triumph them finally whatever may happen… burden is just on  your shoulders.

I am kind of numb now a days and totally dreamy; overwhelmed, so much that if you are talking to me; you would understand that I am not living in present. My brother is also leaving for saudia today and as he says he will come back after a year; when I heard this it seems to me like a long lasting road which carries no end. Farther away you see light and you are tired; you know you need to take a lot of stops till you can touch the pinnacle finally. How many dark nights will come in every day and every day will be longer than normal is what I feel. I know emotion vanishes; time runs rather laugh at you; then you laugh at yourself but your heart is about to play folly and then you are just entrapped.  

Distance is like your heart carrying a lot of strings; more you move away more fragile they get but when they come back their presence can be felt as they bind your heart again with much more strength.

Oh! Coming back to stories in my wonderland; it was my mother talking about snow falling: Yes my presence is also in the same region where I am hypothetically wearing hi-necks sweater and an over coat; gloves and coat shoes. I deliberately come out to hide myself in this cotton looking silky smooth weather. Some of the snow will fall on my eye lashes making them feel heavier and I will brush it and they will cross my lips and caress my face and fell down in into unfathomable ocean of glaciers as they will melt on my feel and I will hold a tool to make my way; remove flakes and walk around.

My mother used to play a lot in winters and during snow fall in Kashmir; she will never go to her mother’s home till snow is over; as I earlier mentioned her initial years were spent in Kashmir so she was carrying a pot to get some water from the well. She fell down and kept sliding on snow till her pot was broken. she started crying as she was afraid of her mother in law suddenly a women came as an angel ; ask the reason of her worry and brought a fresh pot with water . ;) And the day was saved!!!

I don’t know what’s the crux but have faith and enjoy life with pure intentions just like a clean looking sky with clean looking layer of clouds ; future do promise some rain falling direct on your face with your eyes closed ; perhaps a surprise !

Take care.

Remember in prayers.

Shukriya!

'You' And 'I' in this beautiful world

Tring! Tring! Another morning, I hoop myself in blanket and move up a bit, rubbing my eyes and my firm and square developed habit of looking at time; my mobile, begging this god forsaken clock for few more minutes hoping that everything will halt for a moment to observe my short lived sleep and then promise! I will wake up active, up and running.     
 

On the other side is my niece asking for something and I feign by every meaning telling her that I can’t speak right now and messaging her supersonic .I am unwell and was looking for some sleep but nah!

This mobile addiction : I saw plenty of messages asking for forgiveness and my eyes popping out a bit more(I liked the idea if people can forgive us that way,take a stamp and keep it for the day of judgment), some are wishing me 2011 and few stanzas describing and declaring 2010  as something bright and propitious. With my nephews reminding on even a sunny day about a rainy day quoting ‘happy raining season’ which actually made me move a bit to see outside the window, if it was actually raining? but sun showed up; by keenly throwing some of the rays on my face and made me bent my eyes Ya! Ya! You have power, happy!? And sternly the curtains closed.So I sent him an angry smiley asking him where the rain is? And he promptly replying that 'yesterday it was!'

Believe it or not, these events make me somewhat excited as well, there is a big wooden clock on the huge wall and everybody, repeat it silently and you will realize the intensity; everybody is gazing at that clock, this image is knitted by my mind so don’t confuse it with the London’s city …

Minutes hand moves slowly and steadily ahead, silence surrounds and clock tickles, making us move closer, one by one people adding up the crowd: and …and the three hands meet at common juncture its 12 :00:00 , unknown yelling,shouting out loud, some are interfering voices, few breaking the rhythm, we somehow stepped into the new world together.

We have had our hands completely ringed and locked, hoping that we will see this new day together, secretly praying never to let go of this hand, closing this chapter of bickering, may be for some, eliminating distress, increasing the patience and tolerance for each other, this time no ripples come between you and me.Lets start loving each other again.

Hmmm! So much that I can’t carve out by words, as the last December rain that made me go numb and making me absolutely go maniac about it, I can’t get rid of those beautiful scenes and I don’t want to pollute them either, things that normally get old are sometimes get ridden off, as I would like to get rid of my old clothes and shoes but this! may be not …

This last night of 2010 we sat by the woods, fired up, smoking away all the glitches and happiness making us go high, we feel each other within the nibbles of wood, within the noise of fire.Your golden face glowing as if sun plies for a new twist .We both see at this beautiful amalgamation of noise and glowing charm where darkness surround, at least we have nothing else to pay heed to, just you and me and this center of attention, where the world lighting up in your afterglow.

We passed the night looking at it soothing down as the passion goes down after so much of glorification and exuberance, lets aggregate ourselves again, lets forgive the pain and forget the differences: as we saw the sun rising up together, as together we make so much better… let entwine our energies for once , let’s start living again.

My world of word would never come to an and and this page surely would, I wish you all a very happy and healthy year ahead =)

P.S. Kashmiri kids are really on a mild extremism side, my brother asked my little cousin to have a new year bash (while kidding) and he raised his eyebrow and declared to already have entered into his new year one month before. I agree with him but lets enjoy, for 'YOU' and  'I' make a beautiful world together. Not today! Just everyday!

*Allah bless us all*

Don't forget to change the date, I always miss it =S