The Hour

That one hour was really prestigious. The humming voices of people were insinuating through my veins and I … well I was running, cutting and probing bits and pieces that confound to what we call a memory.

That one hour taught me many things that look bizarre but they existed. They were justifying their selves, their love and affection and I was losing myself more. 

In this inhibition I stood up preserved my thoughts, the place I was in, people who roam in and about and suddenly something moved through the spine like the most acidic reaction taking place in ages; it evolved and absorbed everything that was around me. I was clicking my knuckles and fingers like the Most insolent kid who wants everything, who feels dejected when hears a ‘NO’ in reply.

Suddenly someone from the hindsight came to rescue this almost breaking lullaby.

What do you want in this hour?

I had to plunge everything in this flowing river but my words made me shudder ’why am I unable to say anything’.

That one hour was full of grief since I couldn’t make up my mind or rather prioritize what I wanted. But I also lived my life in that one hour. There was an image of a person who was sitting at a rock far away from me but we could find each other vividly through the passing rays; twinkling light still made our gaze almost hazy but nonetheless they were twinkling our hearts together.

Deep down inside I knew he was smiling as my eye spun in the direction he sat; and so was he; while I was crazily doing stuff in that spot light. I knew he will capture the moment and so did he.

He had silent ways of doing things it seems but whatever that was; it was priceless…whose price only I can imagine. That time where I can ideate freckles on my face but he thought I am unimaginable; how silly; I poked myself till when you can stay in an imaginative world but it used to come sporadically so the only time where you want to be declared wrong .

Never for once he told me that I lack something instead he filled the gap like a fresh blow of air that removes perspiration on your forehead and giving a great hold as if it was especially something for you by nature or like a morning with the chirp of birds to move your eyes from tickling clock and giving another moment to relax by moving curtains of my window or maybe that’s what I perceived.

That’s how he was from nowhere to surrender. But suddenly that spot light was removed and I was somewhere else in unknown space; I scarcely could see faces I ever known;  where everything I did was wrong ; where I had frowning forehead ; air passage went narrower and narrower till I felt breathing hard. The other moment I could see myself dying and I was trying to get hold of something as I was losing control; slipping that hand I knew of someone I revere. I wanted to live this life a little more.

But there is a lot more I wanted? The hour broke down; narrative of that hour was gone. I was looking at walls around me as if I missed that hour of negotiation; where I might have achieved something but may be have lost something or maybe there was a better deal in store.

I looked around everything was the same and I questioned myself which hour might bring change; might make me fear less and live more or may be vice versa. I can’t get enough of what I dreamt and hour is less to demand so I started living my life again; May be the way I wanted perhaps as long as is possible; churning bad ; dosing good; this vine however was a good deal but till when I questioned!...

'nowadays i am working on photography ; its fun like a very brave or that silent companion . I will share some as soon as i start loving them more'

Take Care.

I Dream ! As part of me always lived in them !

As per our ritual; when light goes away and winters suddenly move to this region of our country; we will sit around heaters and listen to some old tales of our parents usually narrated by my mother and some years ago by my father.

Memories are weird sometime they cross your mind no matter which road you are travelling onto and you will immerse in deep ocean of thoughts ; thinking about a face , some event that really moved you or something you miserably did miss. I am also adding a 2.6 years old chapter of my first job to my memory lane with this fear that it is going to come in front of me and I can’t weigh how I would react.

The last day went just like a whirlpool; extreme sensitivity and extreme of everything that I felt. I hugged everyone around; people bade me and may be for last time. Sometimes I felt a tear just about to drop and I will avoid watching dauntlessly eye to eye. Moments are so fragile that in order to understand their intricacy you fell into devastation or triumph them finally whatever may happen… burden is just on  your shoulders.

I am kind of numb now a days and totally dreamy; overwhelmed, so much that if you are talking to me; you would understand that I am not living in present. My brother is also leaving for saudia today and as he says he will come back after a year; when I heard this it seems to me like a long lasting road which carries no end. Farther away you see light and you are tired; you know you need to take a lot of stops till you can touch the pinnacle finally. How many dark nights will come in every day and every day will be longer than normal is what I feel. I know emotion vanishes; time runs rather laugh at you; then you laugh at yourself but your heart is about to play folly and then you are just entrapped.  

Distance is like your heart carrying a lot of strings; more you move away more fragile they get but when they come back their presence can be felt as they bind your heart again with much more strength.

Oh! Coming back to stories in my wonderland; it was my mother talking about snow falling: Yes my presence is also in the same region where I am hypothetically wearing hi-necks sweater and an over coat; gloves and coat shoes. I deliberately come out to hide myself in this cotton looking silky smooth weather. Some of the snow will fall on my eye lashes making them feel heavier and I will brush it and they will cross my lips and caress my face and fell down in into unfathomable ocean of glaciers as they will melt on my feel and I will hold a tool to make my way; remove flakes and walk around.

My mother used to play a lot in winters and during snow fall in Kashmir; she will never go to her mother’s home till snow is over; as I earlier mentioned her initial years were spent in Kashmir so she was carrying a pot to get some water from the well. She fell down and kept sliding on snow till her pot was broken. she started crying as she was afraid of her mother in law suddenly a women came as an angel ; ask the reason of her worry and brought a fresh pot with water . ;) And the day was saved!!!

I don’t know what’s the crux but have faith and enjoy life with pure intentions just like a clean looking sky with clean looking layer of clouds ; future do promise some rain falling direct on your face with your eyes closed ; perhaps a surprise !

Take care.

Remember in prayers.

Shukriya!

Remember ~

Remember those days …

Where wishes were flowers never plucked from the garden

And smile was priceless as breaking sheer momentum

Remember that ceiling

Where we opened our arms and felt we are flying

And also few outrageous one always kept crying…

Remember that whisper

Where I came closer to you and blew off some secret

We giggled whole day and night was spent with no regret.

Remember that love

Where we cared each other like never forgotten

And love was as pure as some divine emotion.

Now,

Dreams are scattered like petals under feet

And smile means something that cannot be vividly seen

And flying is away only running seems behind …

And secrets is broken like a cruel famine

And love stays beyond my dubious mind…

( The inspiration behind writing this piece of random poetry at this time;  where my eyes seems to be dropping down is that i saw bunch of mischievous kids today ; while my gaze was pointed at them so they had some random whispers and giggles and astonishment.Believe me i could have extended it manifolds but i refrain )

                         BTW Remember when we were one of them =)

~ I Am In Love With Her Fairy Tales ~

Lying beneath the wide spread sky and watching all stars capturing glimpse of my life spent both with beauty and nostalgia bring about the distance that I travel between being with you and being alone.

If I was the morning sky, she brought freshness and all exertion of the day fell down my skin in dew drops that she used to flick my face with.

If I was the victim of suffocation in worldly matters; she was the cool breeze giving a perfect escape by muttering about things that I kept wondering in her presence; those imaginary areas we travelled together and almost flying in air with arms wide open taking all the serenity and silent presence of I-don’t-know what but it was there; something that belongs to her magical world only but surely.

It was then I tossed her a companionship of life and time beyond our comprehension and she tossed me back things that she whips with her smile and they melt glaciers and peace the exuberant rivers.

But time flips within the luck lines marked in our hand. Glaciers they do melt but not with the heat of affection but with pronouncing weaknesses we develop with the time. Life is at rest but not with the beauty of her fairy land talks but with the harsh realities of life that nip down our happiness with some ugly events.

I realized how quickly I came out of her colorful world; not only made myself a somber inside- outide contended man but also made her look quite fidget most of the time. It was then I thought her radiant smile has gone away and I blamed time and when clueless accused her of losing charms.

How quickly I wrapped up things half heartedly that ultimately resulted in arguments every second of the day. I started feeling tired and fell down asleep quite quickly because love withered or hid in the closet or lost in the humidity.

Suddenly I realized she is sitting beside me asking question in her typical docile style and with blinking big eyes. “Could you marry someone else, once I am not alive?”

I laughed --- I laughed because I was addicted to her fairy tales too. I realized what I was missing so I started telling her a real time story: “Listen! I know we went through a hard time. But remember all the good times we catered climbing up the hill. I may not remain the same but inside my heart there lives a space that knows your language well. Sometimes it is not as glittering as it should be. Sometimes it’s just not easily comprehendible but …”

I realized she wasn’t taking interest in my real time story and she was gazing with her big eyes even yet. I sat their motionless and to break the ultimate silence I said:

 “Imagine a world where a guy and a girl cross the land of beauty and joy together and something prick her foot quite badly and it started bleeding … Guy had to leave that place for a while to find best emergency remedy”.

She moved her hair a little from the forehead and smiled. A smile that is famous to bring charm back to the valley of tired looking people.

First morning ray removed the overwhelming darkness and then I realized, I passed this whole night dreaming with my eyes wide open, looking at starts knitting a fairy tale.

Lost love is here but my darling is away.