My dear Ammi,
Today I missed you very much. To start with I thought of many lines, many phrases but at times perfection is not your target and for relations like parents there can’t be anything close as perfection other than themselves. I can’t find adjectives to describe what these relation means for a child.
It’s been long since I wrote anything but today it became as vital as breakfast you used to make for me before I leave home. Should I call you a spoiler? Even if it is like that it never can beat the kind of feelings I had grown for you over the time.
Can you imagine me staying away from you? I didn’t for at least last few days were like a real fast track ride. I had no idea what’s happening. I missed everyone and that too intensely but it didn’t make my life wait for a second, it kept on moving like a never ending road and I was moving on that road, doing stuff like fulfilling bare necessities but now I am afraid, as afraid as I used to get of thundering and lightning.
I want to hold myself for a second and set my focus straight. Am I changing? By any means, I am just afraid I might lose myself in these incidents. With you my imagination was so strong I felt like a dragon who has this urge to fly in every season, to see wounded and healed ones, to cure them, to achieve, exhibit, see mountains and water and everything that felt great to us. It felt pretty much possible with you. But now it seems I need to revise what I want from life or may be life demanding changes from me.
I want to remain the same person I used to be and you are the only person who can assure me of that, who can testify my originality. It’s so weird that I am not with you, someone who knows everything about me.
Who knew my every state? At times this word scares me: ‘Ammi’ . I want to read you, read this word.
How you felt during all that time your journey started: from being single to married then to become a mother.
How you might have felt leaving your routine life and accepting new. I wish you wrote a book for us or some guidelines. Or is this a possibility that we both knit an altogether different story?
It scares me to even think how you might be feeling sending me away from you. I cannot fathom a bit how mothers can do that. Because for me I see everything as a symbol that reminds me of you.
Life doesn’t stop for a second but it completely molds us in shapes we thought we can’t fit in.
And later on we feel so adjusted into it. Tell me! Isn’t this unfair.
These changes: we always hoped to bring positives and may be our life can’t be any better than what we are living but I want to miss you always and keep you in mind no matter what I do because you are a partner who knows me so well, who kept all my secrets, who taught me little thing as granular as brushing teeth. You really worked hard on us. I can’t thank you enough.
But somehow, I get a feeling I raised as a very mysterious person. Things that I thought I CANT do, I am doing them. This flexibility is surprising, very surprising as sudden tickling of rain from the sky that wets you and changes your mood, brightens your day and as hard as sun shines making every detail of your skin evident and treats it harshly as being stabbed.
Ammi I want you to tell me that ‘life isn’t hard, it isn’t tough’ like you used to say to please me, to bring me at ease. Let me tell you ‘it worked’. Sometime positivity oozing out of a trusted one relaxes you, no matter if life holds a storm ahead. Tell me that life is as easy as eating a piece of cake with layers of almonds, caramel and pear. It melts down in mouth, down through the throat making us happy, excited and endear.
From your ever loving daughter who fell down suddenly and got up to search for you.