They brought him to the room finally while I took a day to re-assemble myself, my brain, my body and cheering myself to greet this new guest. But wait! The nurse handed over our little guest to us and left. She was gone and it was three of us. Me, My newly born and My better half. And “This is not it”.
He was crying, like he never enjoyed warmth I offered. He didn’t even like my voice, my touch. It was smooth 9 months I kept him inside and read how he must be living inside me and out of all the things I was sure he would recognize me instantly and will acknowledge my presence and our heart beat would resonate and there would be immeasurable love but sadly none of that was true.
He kept crying and this time his voice reaching out doors, in corridors and I expected nothing but that nurse to come again and hold him. Thankfully they gave us an emergency bell; I beckoned my husband to press that but he seemed to give it another try, to soothe him and then finally! Our family arrived and thing started to get better and in place.
This was my son’s second day and our almost very first ‘that kind of’ encounter. I wasn’t disappointed at all because I knew I wasn’t in a very good position to comfort him but suddenly reality struck me: ‘He is here!’ He is going to behave like this, he is going to accompany us. It’s our life time responsibility. No more me or us, it is another person in life who needs my attention more than anything else.
My world seems to fall apart. Well I am not exaggerating this is how I felt and very close to it when I got discharged and moved towards my mother’s home. All carelessness, independence and wandering without any burden would be gone.
The time I left hospital was the time ( no body knows ) very emotional for me. I came here 2 days ago and this is how I am leaving. All that we anticipated in last 9 months finally came true, it all happened. Giving us new names and new relations. There were people to take care of me “uncountable” but now its few of us, some of them planning to leave soon.
This time everything looked different, absolutely different. As if first time I saw sunlight. My mother used to say you are re born when you give birth and it was so true. I saw sunlight with him for the first time. The sun rays shunning straight from the sky, falling on his face, illuminating his hairy skin in golden hues, while he barely could open his eyes. I could see more in him more than when we were together in blue lit room.
He is my son. Reality struck me again. I need to take care of him. We need to take care of him. This shift of responsibility was so intense I didn’t see it coming before. It was like someone jolted me from a fascinating dream, hit me in my head and said this! This you need to care for, this we have been preparing you for.
I can’t write how many things I struggled with initially. I forgot about myself. This is the first thing a parent is hit by. I madly rushed here and there to take care of my tot, out of motherly love or what… I don’t know. But it was an absolute mad rush.
I barely slept! I didn’t even get an hour sleep even I think. And it was already more than a week with my due date drawing closer to the pains to the final happening.
My eyes were wide open even after so many things that happened. I don’t want to go into those details but I stayed up is the crux. Then came a point where all these emotions building up inside me had to burst. They finally burst in form of tears. I cried like hell sometimes alone, sometimes in front of my husband and finally in front of my mother. Who; to my surprise couldn’t gauge as to why I was crying kept teasing me that you are crying because of this angel. I was like kill me with anything but don’t say I never enjoyed him.
I did. He is like a rainbow for me, changing color every day. Each color carries its own significance. ‘Color’ knitting a story that my mind reads and the memory of which already being etched in my brain. There was hardly any sec where I didn’t feel him breathing, to make sure he is here and getting scared every second and asking Allah to bless him with life. From here on I could see how my life going to be. Touching his soft skin that was the softest thing I ever touched. I am familiar with his little cold hands and feet and I know each and every detail of his little body and skin.
I love the way he acts
Like a fresh morning breeze…
At night and in eve J
And I could hear his voice even when I am away
And when he hugs me my heart melts in million ways
Through all these happening I became a mom :)
I knew from the fact our handshake prolonged
Well he didn’t allow me to complete this. This is my ‘snippet’ little journey from alone to finally becoming a mom.