Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Hour

That one hour was really prestigious. The humming voices of people were insinuating through my veins and I … well I was running, cutting and probing bits and pieces that confound to what we call a memory.

That one hour taught me many things that look bizarre but they existed. They were justifying their selves, their love and affection and I was losing myself more. 

In this inhibition I stood up preserved my thoughts, the place I was in, people who roam in and about and suddenly something moved through the spine like the most acidic reaction taking place in ages; it evolved and absorbed everything that was around me. I was clicking my knuckles and fingers like the Most insolent kid who wants everything, who feels dejected when hears a ‘NO’ in reply.

Suddenly someone from the hindsight came to rescue this almost breaking lullaby.

What do you want in this hour?

I had to plunge everything in this flowing river but my words made me shudder ’why am I unable to say anything’.

That one hour was full of grief since I couldn’t make up my mind or rather prioritize what I wanted. But I also lived my life in that one hour. There was an image of a person who was sitting at a rock far away from me but we could find each other vividly through the passing rays; twinkling light still made our gaze almost hazy but nonetheless they were twinkling our hearts together.

Deep down inside I knew he was smiling as my eye spun in the direction he sat; and so was he; while I was crazily doing stuff in that spot light. I knew he will capture the moment and so did he.

He had silent ways of doing things it seems but whatever that was; it was priceless…whose price only I can imagine. That time where I can ideate freckles on my face but he thought I am unimaginable; how silly; I poked myself till when you can stay in an imaginative world but it used to come sporadically so the only time where you want to be declared wrong .

Never for once he told me that I lack something instead he filled the gap like a fresh blow of air that removes perspiration on your forehead and giving a great hold as if it was especially something for you by nature or like a morning with the chirp of birds to move your eyes from tickling clock and giving another moment to relax by moving curtains of my window or maybe that’s what I perceived.

That’s how he was from nowhere to surrender. But suddenly that spot light was removed and I was somewhere else in unknown space; I scarcely could see faces I ever known;  where everything I did was wrong ; where I had frowning forehead ; air passage went narrower and narrower till I felt breathing hard. The other moment I could see myself dying and I was trying to get hold of something as I was losing control; slipping that hand I knew of someone I revere. I wanted to live this life a little more.

But there is a lot more I wanted? The hour broke down; narrative of that hour was gone. I was looking at walls around me as if I missed that hour of negotiation; where I might have achieved something but may be have lost something or maybe there was a better deal in store.

I looked around everything was the same and I questioned myself which hour might bring change; might make me fear less and live more or may be vice versa. I can’t get enough of what I dreamt and hour is less to demand so I started living my life again; May be the way I wanted perhaps as long as is possible; churning bad ; dosing good; this vine however was a good deal but till when I questioned!...

'nowadays i am working on photography ; its fun like a very brave or that silent companion . I will share some as soon as i start loving them more'

Take Care.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Painful yet Happening journey of 363 Days

This blog post belongs to and written by one of a dear friend i revere. Lets go through her journey of 363 days.

"Its about the hidden, unwritten, veiled emotions and yet I am too expressive, people Say so! J

26th Januray 2011 – 23rd March 2011

It was the most painful time for me and my family since the thing we never imagined in our dreams nor get any hint, happened – Yes my father had a Lymphomic Cancer and was in its worst stage to Imagine when we got to know it. Each and every passing day was telling us that we have to face it and that there is no hope. Its been said that the person who is near death could feel it. And Yes I saw my father feeling it. Silently yet hopeful and positive , worried for his daughters and his dreams he said goodbye to this world on 23rd March 2011 and the most ubelieveable part of it is that the girl who has fobia with knives, who cannot see blood , who cannot see lots of ants, who starts crying when see a poor someone on the road, actually victimiced  her father’s last moments! Yes, I never knew that I could be so brave to do this, to watch it but ALLAH nominated me for it. You must be thinking How? J

22/23rd March 2011: Tuseday/Wednesday -  Between 10:00 PM – 6 AM

My mother was taking care of my father in the hospital since my elder sister and myself have to attend our offices and my two younger sisters have to attend their studies. Alas, this cruel world has another list of commitements other than our loved ones and which is ironically called “Professionalism” ..waao isn’t it funny?

Anyways, During that time period I realised that What is the meaning of this job for me If I lose my father and If I am not going to get this chance again to look after him? I took long leaves from office sacrificing my so called career which seemed to be ending in that time period.. Ahh that’s another story but lets not talk about this!

And Thank you so much to the friend of mine who made this realization strong that just throw away your job and take leaves to serve your father.

My mother was so tired after being stayed in hospital for so long and I could feel that. I asked her to leave for home that night and ensures her that yes I can take care of Baba.. My father was almost paralyzed and was unable to walk or even move on the bed in his last stages.

I did not know that this night would be a  nightmare of my Life… Anyways may be, as we believe as muslims that “Allah unhi logon ka Imtehaan leta jo bardast ker sakte” He knew that I would bear it silently… He knew that But I know Allah can also see whats inside me.

My two cousins were also staying with me in the hospital that night and I went asleep. At  around 12:00 AM  my father started feeling severe pain (which is the evitable pain of cancer) He was almost crying and saying “koi mujeh bacha le” (Someone please save me ).. My cousin and myself were helping him by rolling his legs and back so that he may get some relief but all of no avail.

The pain was increasing and we called doctor to see him, as if doctor knew it and she was unable to do anything. Almot 2-3 hours passed in this situation…. Can you Imagine a 2-3 hours in severe pain? I guess nobody can…at around 4 in the morning , I noticed that suddenly my father stopped screaming and that he was feeling drowsy.. I called the nurse and she used a machine to check his heartbeat… His heart beat was dropped to 60.. Nurse thought that machine was giving some error and that it has stopped working ..She tried tipping the finger lid of the machine but she was fooling us!

My father was still in his mere senses and my cousin made a skype call to my mamo living in America at around 5 in the morning and asked my father to talk..Since he was drowsy so he was  unable to talk properly but was replying by nodding his head to the Qustions my mamu was asking…

After the call, suddenly I saw that he was breathing in some abnormal way and his eyes were almost closed.. I was sitting infront of him and could clearly see the death saying hello to me…. I started realising that yes it has to happen and I asked my cousin to call everyone from Home.

As a muslim we have a belief that “Maut ka farishta kabhi apke apno ki roh apke samne qabaz nahi kerta” (The death angel wont' grasp a soul in your relatives and acquintances presence) … Someone in my family also stated this thing that you should make death of your loved ones easier by accepting it ..I heard namaz e fajar and decided to leave the room so that my father could get a relief from the confusion of life and death and that maut ka farishta could do his task finally. Yes I did it!

When I returned back after offering prayer I saw that he stopped abnormal breathing and his eyes were wide open and he was looking at me! Yes , He was expired….
I took pansora and started reading “Surah e yaseen” ( Verses of Quran- Our Holy book) , looking at him crying and weeping.

That terifying time has passed.I feel his pain with each and every passing day and that night is still alive in my life.

People say that I have lost so much of weight and I know that I eat proper and yes I am happy because this last year was happening for my career, I have got so much Success Allhamdulliah , A new turn a new life ….

But How could I Forget that pain which is residing somewhere inside me. I don’t undertsand that why I feel the same pain within myself that my baba has experienced . That’s 0.00001 percent of it which is not allowing me to florish.. Can we Imagine his pain now?

I have tried hard to hide my tears and my emotions from this world in last 363 days and only the techlogix 2 day Ayubia trip was able to make me forget it and pass some refreshing time. So that’s how it makes the 365 days count to 363 days of tears! And Thank you turkey for making these tearful days count even less!

My Khala used to say this that “Baap ki chapal agar darwazy pe hu tou bht roob rehta hai duniya pey” (presence of your father even his petty belongings on door keeps a grandeur on world )

 I never understoond the meaning of this sentence but Life has opened a complete dictionary to fully understand it!

I pray that May ALLAH grant my father the best of heaven and May his soul rest in peace.

All of the readers , please recite surah e Fatiha for him and Keep Praying for me!
I dedicate all my success to my father. I wish you were here to cherish these moments you had always dreamed for!"