A Letter to My Son

My Dear Son,

You are turning two :)  My little boy. Just yesterday you were swaddling in my arms, today you are my friend, my buddy who gives me high five, who runs like a penguin, jumps on me, sing to me the sweetest melody. Wow! what a sweet gift you are from Allah.

 Whenever you stumble upon this blog, I want you to know that I love you very much. You see mothers are little crazy when it comes to their kid. Just in a matter of second they jump through their most difficult journey, they cover the infinity in a matter of seconds and they become a new person, starting a life they never thought can be lived. 

This world is a crazy place I tell you. As much as you give us the happiness, there is this clock tickling right behind me, chasing me, asking me to see the world from every angle. And then I do.

I do this because I know that this world may not be a very nice place to live in. Whenever I look at you, I want you to become the person I couldn’t become. It doesn’t mean I am not happy about my achievements but you know what, by the time you realize your potentials, things have gone fast forward and then there is a race which knocks you down so many times before you get up.

But you give me strength; you define meaning of this life to me. It’s scary and satisfying. 

Just look at me I am a daughter, I am a mom, I am a wife, a daughter in law.  And this life is just like a time travel device. When I spend time with you I move back and forth in time, basking in the glorious childhood memory, I am a child there at the same time a parent and I realize things that my parents did for me, from their perspective. And I realize how important it is to treat them nicely. So you have shown me the time I couldn’t feel anymore, the time which was stacked down in the chamber of secrets in my mind

When you grow up a little more, you would see there is no balance is this world. There are classes and differences, there are divisions and there are kids just like you begging on the roads, Kids who are injured in war, adults in miserable condition and what not. And you will see pictures and images that might make your heart thump a little stronger.

You might think that there is injustice in blessings too. You might be blessed with a lot of things while the other kid next to you isn’t and vice versa. And this whole thing might confuse you. It did confuse me. It makes me go crazy when people share images of kids being hurt. I always wonder oh God you had all the powers, you could have stopped this massacre.

I hate the fact kids beg on streets and sometimes we don’t help them because we think we are helping them build their regime. We are selfish to be honest.

How many times I go out of the way to help people? I can count on fingers.  

But my son when you grow up, sort out your life.  There are a couple of lesson you need to read every day. This world has attractions of every kind. Good and bad.  You may choose good or bad according to your perception but at the end of the day you should be peaceful. You should be able to share the truth with yourself.  You should be able to sleep on your own and peacefully.  You can lie to the world but not to yourself. Most of the times we know answers, we run away from them.

You can’t do perfect in this world. Just do your best. Make best use of everything. You may not get answer of everything but your heart is your mirror. Look into it every day, every night before sleeping and you would know what kind of person you have become.

Be kind. Kindness would never disappoint you, nor the honesty. Follow them and you will be happy that you made right choice in your life.

I just realized how much I can share with you but not here and not today.

I wish you a life lived to the fullest.

Much Love,

Only Yours

Mama.

Two cups of Tea

Just as I take my cup of tea. Sip after sip...felling into the whirlwind of thoughts gushing through my mind, touching every nook and corner of my life...I just want to shut my eyes thinking about you.

Sometimes it’s the sweetest escape. I am still glad that you virtually exist. To know that you lived before you died. That you had the oomph, an idea to live by. I would love to see you again on another cup of tea and we might sit down for a while. Thinking about this bizarre life and its tragedies.  And just not try to solve any mysteries.

You need to come and sort my mind…stack after stack, after stack until you are tired. Tell me that I did great sometimes, that I nailed it and I was your hero. And I was the cover story of your heart. Tell me the shrieking voices I hear and I make. Well everyone has it and tell me it’s not a bad idea to give up sometimes. Lie in bed, forget and grief or think about the butterflies that flutter in your heart like past memories.

Forget about everyone and everything and think about the goodness that I once had and fill up my heart with energy.  And tell the bad person in me is not that bad and that god still loves me.

And that he ignores my mistakes and he smiles sometimes and say ‘she isn’t that bad’ make her happy. 

And touch the cord of my heart without any mistake, just be precise and make an escape so that the spell breaks evenly and I get up with a smile to break this symphony.

where is the FREEDOM!!!

The sun is finally trying to make an appearance, covered in the fragments of clouds.  The cool wind breeze, making all the big trees sway and the eerie noise it creates. It’s so peaceful right now that I can hear the sound of air. Birds are chirping in most delightful manner. Far from the place I am setting, is the light bulb switched on, somebody probably forgot to switch off all the lights. There is this heart sign chalked out by someone on the wall of a school which will soon be covered by kids of all ages.

Love is that overrated, yeah?

And then there is dandelion revolving around the place I am sitting, this whole thing takes me to the life I have already spent. The School, College and University time. When I was focused, more energetic, I had powers, I was an achiever. The confidence that grew over the time just only made my focus more clear and I knew exactly what my goals were. I was more connected to God. I knew who I need to ask , who I need to bend in font of,  I could see him replying to me, guiding me, telling me the truth of life. There was this inner peace that I think now is missing from my life.

Slowly but surely I had to step out from that life into the practical life. ‘PRACTICAL LIFE’. Now this is the life where you are supposed to do everything which you might not like or can even make peace with. The Life which punches you so hard and so many times in your face but you rub it all off and stand to fight again.

You need to earn money and work hard at the same time. Obviously you can’t overburden you parents any more to fulfill your weird desires. You fell in love and fell off from the cliff both are same things actually, you get married and try to please everyone and there is this poor guy “husband” who is different from you in many ways and you try to see all your relations in him, then you make kids who for the rest of your life are going to be the center of attention.

 Iyaad had temperature and all this night I kept on checking him. Was this because I was careless? I probably not am giving him enough time. This is the life of a typical mother.

Sometimes I think of my mother. She still loves me and not only that take cares of my son too and will keep on taking care of my future kids too  and then sometimes I ask her “ Ami what are you getting from this whole thing? Like you have a daughter who falls on you and you are never tired. NEVER. Don’t you ever want to be FREE? Like Free from the worries of your kids?

And she in most confident manner ever “You guys are my life”.

No Ammi you created this life for yourself. And we all are following the same path. We make peace with our present and that’s the only way to live life I suppose.  

Sometimes I feel there should have been a guide to this life. A manual that I could have read before jumping into this so called practical life.

I have also realized that humans are actually the most unthankful creatures.  Half of our population wants kids the other half thinks what to do of them. Half of the population wants to get married, the other half  are beating the head against the wall, half of this populations wants to earn money, the other half so perfect that you sometimes feel they are not real

The 29 years of my life and the only conclusion I could make out of this whole life is that connection to Allah is the only way to earn peace. That he is controlling life. I mean sometimes I feel what exactly my decisions were. None I suppose. He is the planner but most of the adults are tensed and stressed out  because they have zero  faith in Allah’s plan and even then you see them preaching about trusting Allah’s plan. And that patience is the virtue and you are rewarded when the challenges come your way and you make it to the edge of the river abiding the laws of GOD.