You are Amazing...

You are fire like …

Fire like something raising hues and bursts

Into smoke and dusts

You are subtle like …

Morning covered in haze

And setting all quenching eyes, beaming in glare

You are pinching piece of dusk …

Coveted by silence, endured with husk

Like a nomad in rush

You are stone like …

Strong as sword, hunting the crimson

Staunch like season, making numb and baffled

You pass like weather holding trail of treason

You are magician like…

Changing seconds to hour

Bringing the goodness out of sore

Giving the balm to conflicted hours

You are amazing

You are amazing to be touched

You are amazing to be wished

You are amazing to be kept

You are amazing to be left…

all those days watching from the windows

Winters are approaching slowly but surely.I start my day in hustle like always; always forgetting things, always taking notes. My life now a days seems to be preparing something for me ahead. Its busy but keeping me busy always. Winds started to smack me around my neck so I swapped my scarf to protect it and focus.

I walk slowly across the streets observing and making plans. For brevity sake I don’t react much. I keep it all low. But sometimes as if there is a need. As I move forwards there is something holding me back and I feel responsible as if I could have protected, could have saved, could have … is poisonous. It makes you forget that master planner works more apace than my futile imagination and whatsoever keeps my mind busy.

These days I am making peace with myself and bring forth positive outlook towards everything. I see my active bones got rusty for some very shadowy reasons. I had goals, creativity that amused me but for some odd reason I was on break. There are only few people in this world who can understand you even without asking much, just looking deep into your eyes. There are few magicians in this world they don’t hold you tight they let you go freely. But I felt boundaries across me and have temptation to be at another side. I wanted to be safe but I couldn't save much. Its not that i lost something but I didn't gain wisdom to fight well.

I am taking in positive energies. We have got one life how can we spend it without any achievement whether it is winning someone’s heart, effective career or social work.

I thought of deleting my Blog but this can be a for no reason step for me. May be I don’t need to broadcast my thoughts any more and break all connection that may lead to abrasion.

I am just trying to take participation rather than to be a spectator.

I was listening to tangled ‘All those days’. My love for this cannot go down J

It depicts part of my personality not fairy tales but looking beyond walls. Though I would like to land back where I wanted to or where I belong to.  

What is keeping you busy these days, Have you gone through similar state? 

Photographs

Photograph is the most acceptable and unnatural way of capturing moments. For those who don’t rely on their brain for long or those who want to have evidence and make it testimony of the event for later, or those who don’t have photographic memory.  Sometimes I find them surreal as if picture painted in front of your eyes where you want to find your own character and always like to brush something missing with your own stroke. Now they have tools for it.

Photographs remind me of the class in fact classification of people.  Like a family of three from old times: a husband wife and a kid, all set like a poll not even slight flutter of eyes , almost stopping to breath hence almost looking like victim of oppression. Then this oppression slightly got loosened up a bit. Now they will stand with their hands wrapped up in utmost respect talking about the genre they belong too.

When I compare photos of now with then I feel there is a sky-earth difference between the two. Now it seems people are controlling their lives. Smiling which at times looks unreal but attractive. But a person of that age keeps a very eloquent eye guessing real over unnatural.

I also asked him to take a picture. Firstly I stood there like a robot, he asked me to smile.

I questioned myself if smile essential for a photo to look nice. I heard him saying it gives you multitude of chances and memories to cherish .Confused by his response I curved a bit right but far cry from a heartily smile; it makes me look bad.

Then he ran towards where I stood at a distance with the sun rays shining directly upon him, almost making his face go invisible and blade like rays or oasis of his emotions, enhancing  untold mysteries and stories on his face.

But he maintained a smile very jovial as if he is there where he is meant to be. While I moved a bit more to see what it holds behind bars I heard a click!!!

I thought a real moment was captured then.

I am listening to payphone by maroon5 for some very odd reason. My headphones are sticking to my ears for this one.

Time Is Now

Somebody told me that I am inclined towards pessimism. Very opposite to what I hear from most of the people but it never hurts. In fact a lot of things now pass by me like seasons, like the old leaves making their last visit to crumbs and then towards heaven. As I see them swept down by a man ruthlessly I wonder how futuristic I have been:’ Thinking about tomorrow’.

Thinking about tomorrow isn’t a bad idea as long as you know you have bindings and strings that leads to past and present but this is how we are raised; when in school - think about college, in college think about high schools and list goes on higher trend.  In this course of events I somehow couldn’t keep track of my present. No matter how bold words are written on the cardboard ‘THE TIME IS NOW’. It didn’t affect me at all.

It seems I am on a mission of whose boundary I lost track of. All of passion has bent and drooped down by immense thinking process of which I am unfortunately a habitat.

But may be trend would change now. Like many other things that changes with time, like every new season brings about new vents. At times narrower makes your breathing difficult, at times lifelike butterflies fluttering here and there in both beauty and gay. Making everything look subtle even flaws on cheeks that make it look reddish but oozing happiness.

Season is more powerful than any preparations so I am learning the inline message here. I don’t have under the belt experience but when it comes, it never asks for preparations, shakes you with whatever is written in the destiny.

I always cared about tomorrow without assimilating what I am missing before that. But seasons makes me wonder what if tomorrow never comes…What if!!!

So make best out of what you have, of what you are surrounded by, of love and emotions, of joys and tears.Rhetoric but make sense.

I did realize that I completed 100 posts. Knowing my consistency I deem it as an achievement. So I would definitely try and write something special. This blog has many strings towards many events and memories I hold both dear and close. Let see what this season brings. I do hope all whosoever visited here, visiting now and will visit are having good time of their lives.

Take care =]

Boast Of Quietness

Writings of light assault the darkness, more prodigious than meteors.
The tall unknowable city takes over the countryside.
Sure of my life and my death, I observe the ambitious and would like to understand them.
Their day is greedy as a lariat in the air.
Their night is a rest from the rage within steel, quick to attack.
They speak of humanity.
My humanity is in feeling we are all voices of the same poverty.
They speak of homeland.
My homeland is the rhythm of a guitar, a few portraits, an old sword,
the willow grove’s visible prayer as evening falls.
Time is living me.
More silent than my shadow, I pass through the loftily covetous multitude.
They are indispensable, singular, worthy of tomorrow.
My name is someone and anyone.
I walk slowly, like one who comes from so far away he doesn’t expect to
arrive.

- Jorge Luis Borges

100 Words

He was moving that day like a whirlpool near window from where I could see every minute detail as vein on the leaves, paw of chirping birds, even the dampness on his face. This happens once a while describing purity of emotions when everything else looks miniscule in bigger picture but what remains is the hand full of memories we soak in sunny days and keep them for inundated warmth. I fear those days may never intercept. Sometimes it’s difficult to choose from ocean of pearl, once you pick, taking care becomes eternity and eternity never is possible.

Blood and Beyond

As the day started I had nothing sorted in my mind as usual; also my hair tangled, floating on my face like some drooped branches in sea moving with wind flow. I sack them near my shoulder but they got entwined around my hand bag. I simply ignore and move forward. Sit and ready to tread the usual path. As soon as I sit I began to remember things that I left back home. I will think of them, find alternative and in any case let it go as well. I reach near lab and stood inside like a person whose mug shot taken and who is ready for inquiry. I drop necessary details and sit in the queue. At this time, its looks like a forlorn cause to reach desk. So I started noticing people. Best thing about this unison is the same energy most of us exhibit. Like a crowd listening to some chant and gearing up with more people coming in. We all are keeping an extra eye one each other and ignorance in eyes. I finally get to the desk; get few droplets of blood extracted from my body. I fear no pain not even the consequences.  I walk by as I see people looking at me. May be I am getting used to it.

Mind Game

I can feel the heat spanning over my body and heating my brain enough to make me feel spiny head.

There is a feel, a tooth is budding inside but I am unable to feel that pain, instead my mind is working like a type writer and so I prefer to avoid any noise created by my hand. This internal noise is causing me restless, making me think about everything at once, even about how my feet jolts and I consciously try to stop it. Then I wonder if any moment went unnoticed in my brain, in that case I will start again. Right from the beginning, this typewriter thing. 

--tick tick and my mind goes to follow the noise, same pattern is repeated again. Sometimes patterns don't matter, concentration does. And this outside silence is helping me out to concentrate on the internal noise.  Like a spider inside a cobweb, battling in so many strings. 

25 & Above

Its 12 am sharp on my clock and Monday has already started in this region. Getting up on Monday and to perform is definitely one big task that we do every week. So what’s that reason which compelled me to be here and flip the coin, think about a very nicely knitted statement and write it down to win heart of many and get appreciation too?

Well because I am lucky enough to find one reader who can actually relate to my abstract writing here and who visits me without getting any benefit or providing any benefit or being caustic and curious about my statement that I write in another state or specific state of mind.

So yes I am writing for her and people like her.

Second thing that is bickering with my sleep at the moment is the topic to write about. Well literally speaking I don’t have any topic instead certain ramblings. So let’s see how this post turns out to be.

I remember my father sitting on sofa talking to his friends and family, taking pride in me and my achievement. Well achievement is a relative term so yes! I have achieved a lot in my life by the grace of GodJ .

He is talking about my long prostrating state (Sajida) that is bending down before God.  And me getting embarrassed and amused by his statement. He says : it’s all because she stays in Sajda and prays a lot.

It was when I was in matric and studies were a big headache in fact a matter that can give me heartache.

Today I am a professional. I am in a similar state not intentionally but because I was remembering that statement by heart. And let me tell you situation is definitely different here.

Then I perhaps was thinking how my life would be, will I become an engineer, will I top the board this time around, will I be able to buy my own car, how long my parents would live with me, would I be left alone ever, etc etc.

Right now I am thinking : what the hell I am doing with my life, if that’s what I was here for, will I go to heavens, what if I die tomorrow, what my life would be when I am married and settling in new family etc etc. In both states I was thinking about myself with a mild set of differences.

Then I felt I am here to achieve a lot and I need to plan. Now I am standing at a reasonable position if not ideal and I am 25 now. What else I need to do? I wonder…

Now a days, I have plenty of time to think--- think, back space, remove it, re think then re- think and think re think and so on.

Change: I am thinking about the word “change”. You will hear this word a lot, quite often from people of this age. You realize that your life changes when you are out of your comfort zone (or I may call it a shell you lived in) so there can be a difference of 1` year or two.

For maximum years in my life I stayed with people who I knew from a long time. From school, college and university. But now I am here where I knew no one and most importantly I saw people with different mind sets, different attributes, you see they are performing better than you and people like me getting under confident that they know nothing. You find hard to express yourself. So I am in that state where I am regaining my lost confidence. It takes a lot from you but it gives you a lot too. You realize that life is a big give and take process ( A lot of people will disagree but here we are for tests so lets be prepared) . 

But now since I am just giving time to myself and I have no one around to share my time with. I got a chance to realize a lot of things.

There are people who don’t lie even if it is about coming late to office. There are people who think that they will die ultimately so it’s better to cultivate something good. There are people who don’t waste their money instead they share. At the same time you will see people who snub their maids. DO badly with them and go easy about this act. There are people who will deliberately hurt you. There are people who will stare at you until you are out of reach in their eyes. There are people who smoke, take drugs and try to look cool. You will start back biting about your closest ones because they did bad to you and so on…

Ultimately your life becomes hollow. You will see aunties talking about your almost going age. Then they will start chasing you like your own shadow. If they end up owning you then good otherwise you will be targeted.

You will get sick at the age of 25. Seriously. Not for once but for many times. Your doctor will advise you to take care of yourself like you take care of your newly born kid.  You will understand that health was the absolute precious blessing and you took it for granted.

You might fell in love and think that you have found a person who will bear your odd tantrums. But truth is its equal give and take. And you won’t calculate what you give and take or you might hence resulting in few of these things: Half of the women will whine about their not so happening marriage/relation, other half will work hard to make it better and some they wont care and find news ways to treat themselves better.

You will start finding meaning of your life. And some of you will reach closer to your religion. You will touch it and taste it. You will find it sour then you will touch it; you will feel the pain; you will re touch it and you will understand the ways to handle it.  

And ultimately that’s the only thing giving you peace as if you drank a cold glass of water after exhibiting so much of heat. Religion will make you numb for days. You will stay awe inspired by words of your lord. You will make your ways better; pray a lot because he gave you a lot. You will start relating your life and once you do that, it brings another dimension to your life. You become fearless, inquisitive, ashamed, alarmed but it happens once a while. It brings a lot on track, it becomes season for some. And some fear reading anything that may result changing their life style and again bring them out of your comfort zone.

I am in a similar phase. Closer to something but keep moving back and forth. Let see what new morning brings for me. We live in a world where faces like me are in tyranny. Where faces like me have everything still striving for something. I am in world where I am vulnerable to disease, humiliation, hatred, being ignored, happy,sad,loved and what not. The only difference this time I am closer to something may be.

Happy Ramdan to all Muslims. May Allah bless us with understanding of religion, to save ourselves from fire and understand the real purpose of life.

Take a very good care.

Yours truly, albeit a blogger from far off place, a fellow human being.

Empty Hours

Long hours sitting at one place, observing same patterns every day, same bird roaming over the bushes I gaze daily, made this ongoing hour empty. With every passing day I realize the importance of bringing a change in life. Empty hours are enjoyable but sometimes very dangerous. It makes you pop into every minute detail which has gone, happened some time ago or about to come. I am also stuck somewhere like a person strangled in bushes who wants to hold on but to fly away and come back to get bound again. Like a person who wants to see what’s there against the wall but whose power is indebted to others. An empty hour highlights the middle phase of life, no matter how easy or difficult start or end was. It highlights what could have been done, what slipped by your hand and what’s done. Empty hour not always spread negativity but sometimes promises a new beginning. A beginning within a beginning, no matter how uncertain middle phase is.

                             Time is changing like clouds chasing the sky

                             Sometimes above your head, sometime beyond my spy

                             This change has brought new relations and love

                             New stories of affiliation may also bud

                             But one thing never changes in this whole spur

                             The dreams I saw, the dreams I revere.

125 Words - Purpose

Few words frittered in my ears and I wondered what the purpose behind it is. Will I become a guardian holding a beacon in hand; lighting every vein running with hope, humor, sadness or happiness or become a prey to something absurd without having to feel the real nuance of it.  What would it be like to plough the seed of happiness and shut the world for me or become a growing seed of the balcony? Today I wondered if I will bring a change or end up changing myself like the person who met me after ages; gazing deeper into my eyes; finding something; something which was there. Wanted to tell me the lane was switched but ended up saying ‘do you know me?’ 

Miss Sensitive

I am sensitive and it appears to be a solid reason to hate myself at the moment. No serious! And you are lucky to have people around you who would upsurge your sensitivity and sit around the chamber looking at you like something antique presented after ages.

It is quite strange that I was forced by myself to write something about me and stranger is that, I couldn’t fight it. There were times when I would win this battle no matter how strong the need was. There comes a point in life when you think whatever you did makes some sense in bigger picture of life but later on you might find out that you have been blindly following a cusp. You knew it is meant to be an intersection but you didn’t know how strong it is. 

As a child I had fantasies, dreams of having a family that I am proud of and most importantly a family proud of me. People who are pure, selfless and extremely protective towards your happiness, I wanted to have friends who could make me laugh, an (unfortunate-since I hate myself) partner who would guess what I was about to say, how could I react in certain cases. In short a complete psychic. 

But truth appeared so tardily that never did justice. I was happy but was perusing happiness in others life. I was contended, independent but wanted people to support me. These all stupidity ultimately opens up your eyes and you start hating yourself.

Only those people can understand who are sensitive because ultimately it’s a crime; somewhere in your life you would disappoint your family for others; just being protective for others but that broken hatchet is going to be with your entire life.

Then you would support family in front of others and you would see how possessive you have become for your own self.

I was wondering today; is it really hard to hide somebody else’s weakness or giving a balm to unprotected area? Is it that difficult that you cannot trust anyone because whosoever you are going to trust would come out to be a person who had own values, beliefs may be someone who can clearly state you being extra emotional and sensitive ; hence leaving you deserted for as many days as possible.

Today I had a deep dive; you must be wondering where. I can’t really tell you but to be honest it’s the same state as to be in pre-operation. Dr comes and sits closer to you; holds your hand; check veins then beats; asks you if you are tensed?

You without even thinking about consequences nod your head… 

He will take some extra cautions; does whatever can be done at that very moment and you would look at him like a tired passenger who is not curious; who doesn’t even know what it means to be in pre-op who is just waiting at the station… to be taken care of; not about the consequences remember but about the uncertainty.

He wants to move on … lights are right in front of you; glaring your eyes above your head; you could see people walking just around and about you … you are not curious to see their faces even; you are looking at the clock.

Someone comes upfront removes his masks and says remember me … you say yes I am alive and then when you open your eyes you experience the consequences.

We have strong faith at our creator; no trust me; if you see people closing their eyes and doing crazy things they had a contract signed by him, or a promise because being stubborn is no option on this planet.

If you find people who are psychic and most importantly they don’t have competition with you hold them forever because otherwise you will keep finding missing gaps and holes in every one's life of so many things like someone’s loss, being sensitive and how many times did you cry, Happiness, support and strangely people deliver everything with a smile when it comes to filling up that hole.

Since I am out of writing thingy from a long time so I know it’s even harder for me to keep my normal flow. Sensitivity is over in pre –op. So have a wonderful life. Best thing about being sensitive is the time when it withers away.  

Smiles :)

~ Let the rain comes and wash away my fears ~

The line on your face carved by nature

Pronounced things I never can measure

The smile on your face is my hidden treasure

What goes between the lines, abysmal of thoughts!

And if dust triggers or covers this whoop

We will disintegrate and burn into loop

Higher and higher ashes will bloom…

And we will wait for the rain with our closed eyes

Or let the drop fizzle every teary eyed

We will sit around the corner and wait for the dawn

Heard it happens when every coin turned

My Day

Rushing towards office I see my bones are cracking up and screaming not to enter the room but somehow I managed to enter inside. In front of my eyes they somehow have poured a curtain; all I can see is dimness of time and people moving away and coming inside. I see their shoes; check if they had time to clean the dust over them; then I move towards my screen. I click here and there. And I click again. The voice of which is like swaying a sword into my ears but it’s important to check if my mind is active otherwise I pledge to start my next day better and that's how life moves on.