Thursday, October 6, 2011

~ I Can Never Be The Same Again --

My eyes are slightly swollen and at this time of night; unattended; stoned -- for how long I kept gazing at these stairs, glaring stars right from my terrace, these walls that have my little hands imprinted somewhere here and there, my little sweet wishes in specific aroma traversing from one room to other , my memories; memories of my family all jumbled up and tonight it seems I am burying them; trying to absorb as much as is possible or burry them in sequence in chambers of my heart and vaporize my emotions fueling up my heart right now that are forcefully trying to bring tears in my eyes.  
Sometimes I hate this sensitivity it’s over bearing. Sometimes emotions are childish; they play abnormal games but difference is that you can’t defend them in age where you are sane, responsible and so called powerful. Sometimes you have to be your own light; your own mentor; your own help or consolidator. Sometimes you have to carry your own weight no matter how many loved ones you have around; pat your back yourself and hold your palms and rub them together to give warmth to the ridden area. Sometimes sky is just collapsing and earth takes jitters but you hold your heart and wait for the storm to pass on with your back bent and eyes in swoons.
This is the place I grew up most in both sweet and somber accumulation. Unknowingly I sat near a flower for which I had been told in my child hood is the most aerie plant; the smell of it holds a magic. It certainly vets for something missing; it is the queen of night. And I kept wondering why unfair is the nature waking up king of the day in the day. How much she must be missing him.
And the congregation of stars and making random images in mind and guess game that kept going for many hours. Finally comparing skies we have seen in different areas, making assumptions about pollution, good and bad , zeal and zest.
The castles that I made in sand dunes with my feet completely drenched in cold sand marking my most imaginary plays and those bricks with which I used to adorn my dream house. It is then I learnt the difference between a house and a home. It took ages to have a comfortable sleep alone.

This house has a lot of fears and hopes kneeled down today and something just whispers near my ear. It’s time to go. Have a last look and go. World awaits for more challenges while I want to catch this time in my fist and never let go of it; to go back in time and  keep hold of my mother's dupatta  and walk right behind her and just follow where she steps in; to have this security that she won’t de track ever , i would never be missed or rubbed or nothing would be removed in time.
For once in my life I want to be like a kid; dropping my head on her shoulder, throw my arms around her neck and close my eyes to have some heavenly sleep. And she by chance of looking at me try to see if I am ok and also by her mysterious looks that they call 'love' make a way to look through the eyes deep into my heart.
Dear My  Space: thankyou for allowing me to vent it all out. I feel much better and now am ready for sleep. It is nothing just a change of place and one of my brother leaving  for good.You can read me so well that i am attracted towards you. Thankyou for keeping my emotions and not to question 'what why where who' . Thankyou!!!


  1. ...leaving...even for not easy....

    hmm...nice post !

  2. An excellent post, especially these lines "For once in my life I want to be like a kid; dropping my head on her shoulder, throw my arms around her neck and close my eyes to have some heavenly sleep"

  3. awwww that was all emotional Humaira! left me sad too..I hope the change brings good for you! *hugs*