Prayer

ambush night,
plunder day,
love surrender
now i pray,

burn the heaps of words
in fire,
blow the ashes
on the waves,

melt my life
in love's last fire
let the stars
teach my clay

the word
to speak at sunset
when the sun
bows down to pray


- Jocelyn Orti-Saeed


Life is your own created recipe. So a little gratitude and niceness is required. Break the barriers of insanity and justify ... free your self and fly.

Utimately life is what we make it . Here i am enjoying my solitude - My life.

Happy weekdays + One monday blues =)

I am coming soon.

Mid Day Break

It is not so a very happening day. Lost in many things i tread myself towards my work. Work being done; thought of taking respite but winters in this region are too daunting; Also since I lately changed my job so means of entertainment seems to vanish away and there is a need to create new . I clanged upon a heater but still it snores and makes color of my hand turn darker and tan. Tuned on my radio it seems these presenters have no plot; no seriously I am not downgrading their efforts or spontaneity but at times they don’t make sense or their music. My time today appears to be sailing at a snail speed. Like an inchworm making its way through.

Waiting this day to end!!!

Some lines for you that i was able to carve during my few minutes break.

The day turns darker and sun skids in blue
My eyes seems to drown in frosting fathom
Hoping you shall turn out to be a perfect bliss
And my eyes wait and ploughing way through to you...

Take Care

-- Here i am lost in the ashes of time but who wants tomorrow --

We had this resilient chemistry for each other but still few hiccups and unwanted storms are part and parcel of life. It was then something gruesome occurred between him and unknown fallacies and everything was tarnished between us. It is said that if man has guts to be a man and he was grown under his own build circumstances he can keep everything intact but many of them may not. Our lucky charm was warm sunshine and a cup of coffee in chilled winters.

So we both decided to meet up at the corner coffee shop known for young couples meet up and departure too. And I was counting steps; heading towards it; hoping it is not what all the particles in air beckoning it to be.

We had some words and some more words; unrealistic attacks and realistic jitters were accompanied by his demarcated face and I kept on finding some peace in this whole region; something which is known to me.

I remember he was the most envious man in the crowd because if we stood in a group he is the outside peeper and he became luckiest when he had me around but what happened last is totally a piece of note nobody every wrote or read. Here is the last dialogue:

Eshta: So how are you?

Billi   : I want to tell you that you must go on with your life because I don’t deserve you…I … I just want to tell you that all these hard and harsh words are for your own good. And if it was possible I would gather all the happiness of the world and put in your lap but for now I must go.

Eshta: Will you stop this rattling and useless word? (Cutting him through) How on earth I can put this in your beautiful brain that it is not true. You are a rose that grows one a million and I have utmost respect for you that wouldn’t diminish nor haze ever. With you I smile; without you I get sad and then this nervousness makes me a complete fanatic.

(Billi interrupted without my thoughtfulness ever on aired and made way to his goddamn ears.)

Billi: Estha you must understand; I have a very tough situation to deal with at home; I would leave everything and will go. I need peace and only in that can find my lost strength.

Eshta: Even if it requires abandoning me and watching me go aloof of everything around. Atleast tell me what marks your strength to be so low. You are giving up on nothing

Billi : After a pause yes it is like that… sometimes every word that come out of my mouth would sound unjust ; you will think I am weak and I would rather flew to some other region before I hear this . Truth is that situation is getting out of control. It’s ending up between choosing and it has startled my life too…

Eshta: Are you in your senses. We had a trust factor with each other at least I deserve little explanation on this?

( Billi: Complete silence as if he was wishing that storm to abate so that he can make his way through, as if all he knew was to leave and unable this environment and people to take 360 degree turn in a second)

Estha : You are making me stern, a shocked being , you are making me a useless piece of cloth thrown in dejection and I won’t forgive you on this

Billi: I hope you will take care of yourself more than anything; more than anyone being cared for ever … I must go …

Estha:  And I would call you a weak person and this must stung you all your life no matter where you go …

And she stood there hoping he would look back like he never missed being trapped in her charms but this time as if he was not he and he had appeared in some deluded appearance for secretively teasing her but none of the assumption was true.

Estha had eyes full of questions and remarks in which tears somehow were embedded and every tear was tagged with a lot of thoughts and question. She knew above all science; wisdom and circumstances; miracles do happen; so she carried herself and moved towards a mosque. She sat there hoping that her voice will be heard this time. She released herself of all abduction and unjust happenings; she knew this time he will hear, she stood up and walked into warm sunshine. She knew a day would come when she will get all the answers till then she will assuage her grief she would live; to live up for that one day.

I Dream ! As part of me always lived in them !

As per our ritual; when light goes away and winters suddenly move to this region of our country; we will sit around heaters and listen to some old tales of our parents usually narrated by my mother and some years ago by my father.

Memories are weird sometime they cross your mind no matter which road you are travelling onto and you will immerse in deep ocean of thoughts ; thinking about a face , some event that really moved you or something you miserably did miss. I am also adding a 2.6 years old chapter of my first job to my memory lane with this fear that it is going to come in front of me and I can’t weigh how I would react.

The last day went just like a whirlpool; extreme sensitivity and extreme of everything that I felt. I hugged everyone around; people bade me and may be for last time. Sometimes I felt a tear just about to drop and I will avoid watching dauntlessly eye to eye. Moments are so fragile that in order to understand their intricacy you fell into devastation or triumph them finally whatever may happen… burden is just on  your shoulders.

I am kind of numb now a days and totally dreamy; overwhelmed, so much that if you are talking to me; you would understand that I am not living in present. My brother is also leaving for saudia today and as he says he will come back after a year; when I heard this it seems to me like a long lasting road which carries no end. Farther away you see light and you are tired; you know you need to take a lot of stops till you can touch the pinnacle finally. How many dark nights will come in every day and every day will be longer than normal is what I feel. I know emotion vanishes; time runs rather laugh at you; then you laugh at yourself but your heart is about to play folly and then you are just entrapped.  

Distance is like your heart carrying a lot of strings; more you move away more fragile they get but when they come back their presence can be felt as they bind your heart again with much more strength.

Oh! Coming back to stories in my wonderland; it was my mother talking about snow falling: Yes my presence is also in the same region where I am hypothetically wearing hi-necks sweater and an over coat; gloves and coat shoes. I deliberately come out to hide myself in this cotton looking silky smooth weather. Some of the snow will fall on my eye lashes making them feel heavier and I will brush it and they will cross my lips and caress my face and fell down in into unfathomable ocean of glaciers as they will melt on my feel and I will hold a tool to make my way; remove flakes and walk around.

My mother used to play a lot in winters and during snow fall in Kashmir; she will never go to her mother’s home till snow is over; as I earlier mentioned her initial years were spent in Kashmir so she was carrying a pot to get some water from the well. She fell down and kept sliding on snow till her pot was broken. she started crying as she was afraid of her mother in law suddenly a women came as an angel ; ask the reason of her worry and brought a fresh pot with water . ;) And the day was saved!!!

I don’t know what’s the crux but have faith and enjoy life with pure intentions just like a clean looking sky with clean looking layer of clouds ; future do promise some rain falling direct on your face with your eyes closed ; perhaps a surprise !

Take care.

Remember in prayers.

Shukriya!