My bettered words, your entire presence! My incomplete story, your entire absence!
Those dim lights that leaves vague, my everything and me.
I belong to a class of family whose ultimate dream is to be a part of army, for this thing still remains a question mark whether it’s a love for my country or a secure position that my caretakers see me earning. We dream about it our entire child hood, when a pencil was half broken to be shared by others, when we had no sharpeners and only was a knife cutting edge.
I gracefully entered into the world of rules and regulations, and leaving all disgrace and humility behind. I wiped out the fears of entering into the world of dominions and conventions.
All my life that I struggled to carve out the best feature of living, I heard people thinking highly of us as I have seen it with my eyes as well. It was a hard job having such a baggage, nurturing dreams of many and yet live and survive. I have seen my life coming at an end, when I thought of leaving this hardship to become a part of army. Leave this punctuality and love and prayers, go back to my sluggish world, knitting life of my own but then something stopped me, stabbed me so hard as if I committed a sin knowingly.
Someone stood pass by me teaching me the treacheries and treason of gone, I stood by myself again to find peace in known and leaving to run after an unknown.
After I completed my initial training and returned to my village, I was married to a beautiful girl whose presence was so agile, as she passed by me, leaving my senses numb, corroding my very presence and she in all curtains of decency and shyness revolves around my world of known beauty.
Right after someone added colors to my life I was posted to siachen valley. I was, for the first time not excited as I was leaving my life behind. I reprimanded, my enthusiasm felt belittle, I tried to run away, rebel orders but something knitted my knot with the love of my country so over tightly that I couldn’t run away any more . I had to go to save a part of us, lambast the one who looked at it.
When I reached there in a valley which is just covered by a silence and solitude that sees everything blindly, yet my sight came back to me with a complete black out. It’s all homogeneous, only voice is yours which moves near the periphery, come backs to you solitary.
I sat by a large stone with the folk music, playing at the back that goes like that ‘throw a petal at me, wake me up, o beautiful!’ As I opened letter from my wife, intimating me about a baby birth while the music plays ‘
(Buffalo raised her head while eating, you could have told me something for not coming to my invitation’), happiness engulfed me, tear rolled down on my cheeks but the coolness around, dried my emotions and I was looking for a warmth.
Suddenly I heard and saw ton of splashes in the snow, as if some bees are trying to make a bore in the ground. I dropped the letter, got hold of my gun and without thinking about my life in making; I opened all nozzles, projected and unloaded everything I had. After a minute I was lying on the ground, this was my first and it took me a while to see myself out of this craziness. A pat at my back made me stand up, that night was a horrible one; what if I was dead shot, I won’t be able to see my son forever, my story will be wrapped up just now! Why because I chose to be a savior and left my family in dismay by choice, who will take care of them, my son won’t understand till he is sane that why he missed my love. That night was a heavy toll but I survived, the only human instinct I knew. I couldn’t even savour all I did, a heroic fight.
On account of my bravery, I was posted at the most sensitive area where voices are thrashed and only voice that rules is of a bullet that inhale all silence of the world and breaks it so haphazardly.
I wrote a last letter:
“My dear first love! Life has been kind and justified if you see it through my eyes. As for you, your challenge is few miles away, will be reaching you soon. I can’t make you wear gajras(flowery bands) that you love, wear it every day or when you feel like but do it with my name. Treat yourself well and make our kid replace my existence if I don’t get back to you. My story may end right here but yours is more ostensible. We need to choose at every step and I chose my life over you. Not because I am greedy but because I want every one respect you and I chose to earn it that way. I promise to meet you there, where nothing would make us part, that world would be ours.
Your last love”
I took my gun and when I was about to trigger, all faces came in front of me, some stopping me , some pushing me. I closed my eyes and clicked for the last time. It was hard but it’s inevitable to quit!